The green-eyed monster hunt

IT was the text message that did it. The one that came in as Gemma Wilkes was tucked up in bed with her chick lit and a box of Pringles for company. Her best friend had just got engaged.

The 27-year-old financial adviser from Corstorphine was pleased for her friend and delighted at the size of the rock her fiancé had given her. But at the same time she felt a pang of discomfort in her stomach and ever so slightly envious.

"I was genuinely happy for her," recalls Gemma. "She had been in a long-term relationship and was seriously loved-up. Plus, it was what she'd always wanted and bent our ears about. But when I heard the news, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy, even though I too was in a good relationship and wasn't even looking to settle down."

Gemma is far from alone. We've all been there and experienced that unforgettable stab of friend envy, a twinge of mean. Jealousy when she gets a promotion and a new fat salary or lands that dream job, while you're still slogging your guts out for sweetie money. Jealousy when he proposes, when she announces she's having a baby or has lost a shed-load of weight and you're still ringless, without child and sporting an increasingly rotund silhouette.

"It's very common," admits Edinburgh relationship coach Amanda Caithness, "and friend envy isn't new. People – especially females – have been dealing with the green-eyed monster in one form or another since they were in the playground. We'd stamp our feet, stomp off in huffs or even cry and throw tantrums. However, when you become an adult the politics of how we treat it are far more complex."

Pauline McLeod of Tres Bon Coaching agrees. She says: "It is increasingly common, yet much more complex when you're an adult. Jobs, promotions, relationships and appearances are all major triggers, and it comes down to how we deal with it."

At the benign end of the green-eyed spectrum, envy drives the bitching session on a girls' night out. But is also the motive behind the scratch marks down the side of a top-of-the-range car and she-must-have-slept-with-the-boss rumours.

And, while some psychologists argue that it can be a great motivating force, too much of it is destructive and can rip through friendships.

"It can become malignant," admits Edinburgh-based chartered psychologist, Ben Williams. "You know those supposed jokes which are actually barbed comments – you see it all the time in programmes such as Gossip Girl and Sex and the City. It comes down to emotional insecurity, and this manifests itself in competition for attention and career competition – or success competition. You could have someone who has everything, but they can still feel jealous."

Heather Holton knows this all too well. "I unexpectedly fell pregnant and, while it was a shock, my boyfriend and I were over the moon," explains the 32-year-old part-time model from the Grange. "I told one of my then close friends, someone I had long admired and respected and she seemed indifferent to the news. I had imagined hugs, tears and girlie plans and it was a huge anticlimax. I was devastated.

"She stopped making plans and ringing me as much, and when she did she just bigged up her fabulous life and all the fun she was having. Not once did she show any interest in the life growing inside me.

"Our relationship soon soured and, one year on, I've since learnt that she was jealous of the ease with which I had conceived. Apparently she had been trying with her partner for years before she conceived. I understand her pain but she expressed it in the wrong way."

Romantic relationships, children, jobs and physical appearance are all envy triggers that many women experience at one point or another. But, according to Amanda, another and often overlooked deep-seated root of female envy is the raw fear that you're going to be left alone.

She explains: "Friends are the new family in today's society and there is the worry that, with every new achievement and step they take, they could be moving further away from you. Your friendship could and may well shift, the dynamics change and the fear of it being the end of an era is enough to drive many women to be less than enthusiastic about news."

Deep down, Gemma knew this was at the route of her jealousy. Her best friend was moving on.

"It wasn't until my friend's fiancé told me that nothing would change between the two of us, there was a place for me in their lives and gently reminded me just how important I was to my friend, that I realised that I wasn't saying goodbye. I actually felt ashamed of being jealous. Yes, it was the end of an era – but it was the beginning of a new one. And it could be just as exciting as the last."

According to Pauline, Gemma turned her envy into healthy envy. And this can turn a friendship around and take it to the next level. She adds: "Envy is actually healthy if you keep in proportion what you're envious about.

" It's almost like a good warning light for the person who is envious to take a step back and ask themselves just why they are reacting, and what is missing in their life. You can actually flip that around to be a positive. This can bolster you up and make you up your game.

"It's natural to feel almost ashamed of those feelings. If you have some great news and your friend doesn't react the way you want her to, you feel a bit let down. But see it as something that's going on in their lives, as they will do with you."

Friend envy is really a matter of scale. It can be rational and healthy, even flattering. Or it can be irrational and poisonous.

According to psychologist Windy Dryden, author of Overcoming Envy: "An example of healthy envy is when you and your friend go for the same job and he or she gets it. The healthy thought is: 'I would like to have a job like he has, but I do not absolutely have to have one. I am not less worthy because I don't have a job like he has.'"

And if it's the unhealthy envy? "I would definitely recommend talking about it," warns Pauline. "The key to turning unhealthy envy into healthy envy is by identifying and challenging irrational beliefs by showing yourself that they are false and self-defeating."

And remember, there is always a yin to the yang and things aren't always greener on the other side of the envy fence.

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR JEALOUSY
According to psychologist Windy Dryden, author of Overcoming Envy, there are ways you can make unhealthy envy healthy:

• Acknowledge your jealousy and accept that you're prone to envy.

• Take responsibility for it and acknowledge that you hold irrational beliefs about situations and/or people.

• Challenge yourself and test these beliefs to show that they are false and illogical.

• Rationalise it. Something that might seem unfair could just be luck of the draw. Find out what it really is that you envy and why.

• Act on those rational beliefs. For example, if a friend gets that dream job, use it as motivation to find yours. If your best friend has dropped a dress size, use it as fuel to join the gym.

• Become envious in a healthy way, and seek out what you personally envy when you truly want it. Envy can drive you to do your personal best.