Make some noise Auntie Annabel

IT'S that time of year again when the Scottish Government has announced what it intends to do – a sort of King's speech – from the Monarch of the Pend, down at Holyrood.

Alex Salmond relies on 17 Tory votes to have the life-blood of government course through his veins. Without them he would be denied the oxygen to breath all his jibes and jokes with the authority of First Minister.

The Tories like to say they are the most devout of the Unionist parties, but by their actions shall ye know them. It has always been Annabel Goldie's argument that allowing the largest party to govern as a minority government was preferable to supping with the devil in a more formal coalition.

It really comes down to how good a hustler you are. Poker players make good negotiators, but I rather fear dear Annabel goes to bed too early after a Horlicks to be a card shark.

Last year, the Scots Tories claimed three achievements: that drug policy was altered beyond recognition, that 1000 more police officers would be put on the beat and that business taxes would be cut sooner.

The drug policy was already part of the SNP agenda, the police numbers haven't been delivered – and at the current rate won't be for another 13 years – and the quicker tax cut was a policy the SNP set up to concede. After all, they had offered real business rate cuts long before the Tories dared to.

The achievements were more a thin excuse not to back Labour than a gold medal for playing hardball. Our favourite Auntie she may be, but Annabel Goldie ain't no Moose-hunting, butt-kicking, Hockey Mom.

Compared to the Liberal Democrats' period in coalition, her deal was pretty thin gruel.

Jim Wallace was often portrayed as a political bunny rabbit ripe for the kill – but he often had the last laugh; forcing Jack McConnell to adopt proportional representation for local government elections; leaving Henry McLeish no option but to introduce free personal care for the elderly and ensuring tuition fees were replaced by the graduate tax.

Whatever you think of these policies, Wallace had clear evidence that they could wave at people, often in the form of legislation, and they certainly made more noise about it than the sadly mute Tories.

So, one wonders, what will those redoubtable 17 die-hard Unionists hold out for this year? What big issue will they sacrifice their Unionism for? Like the Jarrow Marchers or the Suffragette hunger strikers, what great cause will they withhold their votes for?

Answer: the introduction of more outdoor activity in Scottish schools costing the astronomical sum of £6 million. I kid you not. Such highfalutin principles like "defending the Union" sacrificed so our kids can skin their knees scrambling over a shale bing or singing happy-clappy songs around a camp fire! Alex Salmond must really sleep easy at nights, I tell you.

Why not refuse to back him unless he makes Scottish Water a private co-operative owned by its customers – us!? That would save £300m a year for starters – and improve the service. Why not demand directly-elected conveners of the police boards to make our Chief Constables accountable? Why not give more autonomy to headteachers over local pen-pushers? I could go on.

Why not ask for the moon and see what you get? Outdoor activity? That's what I sent my sons to the Scouts for.

Round and Round

While we're at it, Margo MacDonald has one vote that keeps the king of Holyrood in power too. Her support is more understandable but her bargains are also more keenly thought out. Will she use her vote to save the Meadowbank velodrome?

There was a time when, for the double period of gym, a corporation bus would take my classmates and I to the velodrome, where we would cycle around it. We thought just trying to stay on was an achievement.

For sporting reasons, I've always argued it should be saved, even if it was to be dismantled and reassembled elsewhere in Edinburgh.

It's a political decision, though, that requires politics to be brought into sport to fix it. I'm sure this is one occasion when Chris Hoy won't be protesting if that happens.

It's Palin and simple

Eat your heart out Jenny Dawe. Go back to your crochet pins, Annabel Goldie. Console yersel' wi' a glass of Buckie, Cathy Jamieson. I have seen the future and it's neither of you. Nor is it Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Tavish Scott – the new leader of the Scottish Liberals – is looking under every bush and boulder to catch it, and soon the next leader of Scottish Labour will be beachcombing Scotland's endless sands in desperation for it – the ability to connect with the people.

Our political leaders should look to their core values. They should stop scrambling over each other to be on some illusory centre-ground – for voters think they are no longer in the middle, but in a muddle. They all sound the same.

Sarah Palin does what she says on the tin. It's that simple. Tavish – take your next holiday in Alaska.