HOW naive can our health gurus get? The "administrators" on salaries so vast it niggles our impoverished nurses. They are "at a loss" to explain why Edinburgh Royal Infirmary's A&E dept is the busiest in Scotland. I'm not a doctor but I can tell them – and it's as easy as falling off a trolley when you're left unattended in a hospital corridor.
You've got soaring admissions and overnights involving younger folk, especially weekends, because for many of them Friday/Saturday nights are alright for fighting. Didn't you ever hear Elton say so, damn you!
Your prospective patients get tanked u
p around noon and by seven they want to go ten rounds with any passing Tyson. Dear docs, if you can get up from those desks for an hour or two, try outside Burger King on Princes Street east early evening. That's where the action is. They'll be delighted to hear about your problems at A&E.
Hole lot of bother Potholes, did you say? I've got some crackers for you. Get into Rose Street (take the kids with you, it's better than a day at the zoo). Holes so large there that the Ministry of Defence have stopped using them for battle training after one of their tanks vanished without trace.
The city council's cleansing operatives are on the case. These pots are so deep, so waterlogged, that they've sparked an inter-service squabble. The Royal Navy want to test their midget subs in them.
Jute the obscure The sort of item you'd possibly find buried at the foot of the page but, I deem, still worthy of your attention. A specialist in eco-friendly coffins in Dundee (where, ideally, you'd prefer to die) is marketing them in biodegradable jute. Carbon emissions from them are significantly lower at the crem.
So Abide With Me and Rock of Ages might well become redundant. Will mourners take another sad song but make it better with Hey Jute?
Afterwords . . . . . "I know being sexy is something I've been accused of, even though I've never been aware of it. I do think it is a burden if you start life with a big bosom and blonde hair," says a coy Honor Blackman, belittling her assets. Where would Pussy Galore have been without them?
The full article contains 386 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
