IF YOU'RE dressed as Batman how difficult is it to go to the toilet? That question crossed my mind whenever I saw another Fathers 4 Justice protester on a roof, but last weekend, up close and personal, I got an answer.
It came at a cricket match and the short answer is that Batman, without the help of Robin (let's be thankful for small mercies), found it difficult to locate what was necessary within the cunning zip-work and padding of his outfit.
I guess trying
to peer under the mask didn't help. And the less said about the eventual state of his yellow felt boots the better, as the queue surged ever onwards and those temporarily standing alongside couldn't help turning their heads to watch his efforts.
The consequent disruption of their aim did as much for his boots as the stream of comments from those waiting in line did for his ego.
Feigned calm and unconcern when going about your business can be difficult enough in a crowded urinal – I realise that for about half of our readers this is foreign territory, so please take my word for it – but dressed in blue padding, yellow boots, a mask and whimpering, it seemed almost impossible.
Of course, it was his own fault. No one forced him to dress as Batman to watch England play New Zealand at Durham. He could have come dressed as an air hostess like any normal cricket fan hoping to be picked out by the TV cameras. Or as a nun. Or Marilyn Monroe. Dozens of others did and, I guess, without personal experience, that dealing with the after-effects of several pints of beer might then have been slightly easier.
Or possibly not. What would have made it easier for thousands in the sell-out crowd, including the Mexican-waving, "We are the Engerland," self-styled Barmy Army, would have been to drink less beer.
Possibly more toilet facilities could be provided. But we can't blame Durham County Cricket Club for that. If the drinkers averaged a pint every half hour – as the more dedicated did, including spillage between bar and seat – another 2,000 urinal spaces would be needed and the Sky commentary team would have to work from one of them.
There was a suggestion by one discriminating real-ale drinker worth consideration. Alcohol can not be taken into the ground, a policy enforced by rucksack and body search, and he had such a dim view of the beer on sale he stuck to tea. Noticing the toilet queues, he suggested that the answer would be to buy a pint then throw it away, thereby cutting out the middleman.
Batman should have heeded that advice. Instead, he appeared round a corner, not in pursuit of justice or the Joker, but bent double and clutching himself, to find a queue 100-long. It says much for the good nature of a cricket crowd that it parted before his pleading and allowed him to fast-track.
From behind, it was like watching Rowan Atkinson in a memorable Not The Nine O'Clock News sketch, dressed in leather with lots of zips, desperately seeking the right one.
Rowan eventually got there and Batman made it too – just. The cheers might ring in his ears for some time.
The full article contains 564 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
