MAMMA MIA! is having children. A new generation of me-too musicals is on its way. There's a Monkees musical. A Barry Manilow musical. Somewhere, I fear, Simon le Bon, Nick Rhodes and any Taylors left are pondering upon "Rio", a musical featuring the songs of Duran Duran. All they need is a storyline.
Nick Rhodes: "How about a young girl desperate to escape small-town life?"
Simon le Bon (sings): "Look now, look all around, there's no sign of life. Bop bop bop, bop bop bop bop bop, this is planet Earth."
Nick: "Exactly. She needs to get awa
y. How does she fund her trip?"
John Taylor (producing his Visa card): "The reflex, flex, flex, flex. Why don't you use it, try not to bruise it?"
Simon: "Isn't there a credit crunch?"
Nick: "Simon, it's a musical. It's a greatest hits album, with an implausible story. There are no financial realities."
Simon: "There are for us. How do we get Rio in?"
Nick: "Erm, our heroine stops in Brazil. She wants to go up the Amazon. See the wildlife."
John: "Union of the Snake works there. We've gone too long without a tune."
Nick: "She falls in love with a logger, who's ruining the rainforest. When he dumps her, she decides to expose what they're doing."
Simon: "Does she track the loggers? Hungry like the Wolf might work. 'Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found.' I could change it to 'he's lost and then found'. Or I could write some new material."
Nick and John, firmly: "No."
Simon: "Where's Girls on Film?"
Nick: "Our heroine could record the illegal logging on her mobile."
Simon sings: "There's a camera rolling on her back, on her back. Girls on Film, Two minutes later. Girls on film."
Nick, cutting him short: "Still no Rio, though. How about she puts her video on YouTube and it gets more millions of hits? Which means she's famous and successful …"
Simon shouts: "And we end on a big beach number with all the cast? 'Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand.'" (Elated, they try out some choreography. Then sit down.]
John, out of breath: "Venue?"
Nick, wheezing: "Mamma Mia! was at the Prince of Wales theatre."
Simon: "Is there a Princess of Wales theatre? She was our biggest fan. This is going to make a fortune with the Eighties nostalgia crowd. And it's got enough modern touches for new fans. Thank God, seeing as no-one is buying the recent stuff. It'll save a prayer. Ooh, forgot about that one, could we make our heroine religious?"
Think it won't happen? Just watch. Plenty more bands are going to jump on the musical wagon.
Sacre bleu… snail shortfall rocks FranceBASTILLE DAY beckons. Yet, at this French time of year, France is running out of snails. Quelle horreur!
So why the scanty supply? Well, escargots are mostly from Eastern Europe these days. But the 2008 crop has been poor, as locals are reluctant to hunt wild snails. (The idea of a snail hunt is intriguing; surely it doesn't take long?) Back to the point, the shortfall of snail-hunters is because economically-enabled East Europeans have now got bigger fish to fry, or slugs to sauté. Being a snail hunter doesn't earn a fast buck. Or even a slow one.
All this follows the news that wine is to be labelled according to the grape rather than the chateau. And that 'le local café' is being replaced by Starbucks. The French created the word cliché. Now their clichés are under threat. Hopefully, this is enough to make them go 'ooh la la' and thereby do something about it.
Oh I say, it's just knot a problemMANY women look at Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer and think about procreation. So do I, cooing at what good fathers they'll make because chances are they'll tie a tight nappy. You see, the most impressive aspect of that final was the tenacity of their bandanas. It's one of summer's challenges to tie a knot that doesn't require constant tautening, nor leave you resembling Pudsey Bear. To do one that lasts five sets is remarkable. "Oh, I say," Dan Maskell might have gasped, had he been a fashionista. Some suggest one should be marvelling at the tennis, not the headwear. I say it's a backhanded compliment.
The full article contains 745 words and appears in The Scotsman newspaper.
